Every year me and my family would go visit my dad's side in Virginia. We have more than 20 relatives up there and that's even counting the ones down here in Hawaii. When visiting it had felt as if time just stopped and that I was in this other time zone with my family, one where I wouldn't have to worry about my problems or be stressed.
The one place place I love being is at my grandparents house. It is a two story house with 4 rooms, 2 bathrooms, one kitchen, one garage and 2 living rooms, it is a very traditional house made a long time ago. I can't help but smile or ponder about the memories I have up there. Whether it be Winter or Summer there was always something to do or somewhere to go. My favorite time of the year to go is in Winter, when my grandma bust out her Christmas decorations and decorates the living room. We would also go to Busch Gardens (an amusement park) and ride roller coasters and walk through their Winter Wonderland.
There are countless memories that I have there. From when my cousin spilled his funnel cake on me, or my first time tasting Freal's in 2009, or when we surprised my grandparents, every time we go there seems to be something that makes me want to stay there forever. When it's time to leave it feels as if I'm leaving one part of me there.
I could tell that the purpose of your writing was to tell the reader about your special place. However, it got a little confusing as to where exactly your special place was. Was it the entire place of Jamestown, Virginia, Busch Gardens, or your grandma's house? If it's all of them, then you need to mention Jamestown and Busch Gardens a little more. The whole time I was reading I thought it your special place was your grandma's house, but suddenly you started talking about Busch Gardens. Try relating experiences at Busch Gardens to your grandma's house to make it flow better. The structure of your paragraph is really good , with an effective introduction and conclusion. I liked how you ended your essay with memories of your special place. Some suggestions that I have for this essay involves the quantity of it. Add more details about your experience, and add more about what exactly makes this place special. How old were you when you first went there? Describe the relationship with your grandparents. These details help the reader to visualize this place and why it means so much to you. Overall, good sentence fluency and usage! It was a very meaningful essay.
ReplyDeleteThe concept of what you're talking about is established, but I think that establishing it in a more improved manner would greatly improve your essay. There are details, but such details seem to have no "parent", in a sense. You dive straight into what your Querencia is; where it is, in fact. But it seems quite rushed--to the point where your voice doesn't come through strongly. Remember; you want to inform readers of how you feel, what this place looks like; what it means to you, which means you're going to have to put a lot of details in order for the reader to understand what this place is clearly. Only you have experienced your Querencia in the exact way that you have experienced it, so only you know how meaningful it is to you. Communicate it in a way that the reader can empathize with you.
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