Most people would laugh when I tell them that my parents used to call me speed, but for me it was more of an encouraging name they used to call me.. I don't usually tell people that my parents used to call me this because it sounded weird or unusual.
When I was younger I used to play t-ball and track, both including running. I wasn't all that good at t-ball because I was shorter than mos other players which technically means I was slower, same goes for track. But as I got older I started to run and run and run all for fun. I was still shorter than most of the players but I eventually got better & faster.
One time after a t-ball game that we won, I saw one of my teammates parents talking to mine, sense I was little I didn't bother to have a conversation with adults so I just ignored it. Afterwards in the car my parents told me that one of the parents was telling them how fast I was and how I ran faster than others. Because of this my coaches started calling me speedster or speed cause of my running ability, my parents then ended up calling me that too.
Speedster or speed is no longer my nickname nor do my parents still call me that, but it always had some weird special meaning to me. I now love to run for fun or in competitions. Although I had a hard time with it before and hated it, It's now one of my favorite things to do. My parents always shouted "Speed Speed!" when I was running, so whenever I'm running from base to base or on a tack I listen for my parents voice of encouragement.
Your introductory paragraph was simple, but effective. Just from reading that, I learned who called you that, what it meant to you, and how you got it. Some suggestions that I have is to watch your spelling, there are some errors, and to use more examples of when you get called "speed". Add more details to help the reader have a better understanding of your nickname. Overall, good job!
ReplyDeleteThe essay is great at covering in general the story behind your nickname. It's easy to learn why you were called "speed" as the essay dives quite straight into it. I suggest though, an immense amount of detail to elaborate upon 1) the story behind the nickname, 2) some background and perhaps how the word connects to other individuals, and 3) other memories made through being called that word. The essay sure is quite simple in terms of diction, so try making it seem more vivid; memorable and a greater joy to read. Of course; you shouldn't describe every single action that took place in your second-to-last paragraph, but use of more vivid verbs would greatly improve it. You started off with "One time after a t-ball game that we won...", so try and build a little bit more on that. Describe some events that occurred during that game to help connect it to "speed".
ReplyDeleteFor example, if I were talking about basketball, I would say:
"It was such a fantastic match to be a part of. Both teams were neck and neck; just a point away from each other. As the final plays were being made, I executed the final lay-up. It was like running through rain yet not being touched by a single drop when the ball made it to it's destination--the basket. After the game, my teammates parents were talking to mine. Though I didn't bother to talk to them at that moment, my parents told me afterwards that my teammate's parents commented on how fast I was running in those last few seconds. From then on, my coaches began calling me speedster..."
And so on. The above example provides a vivid memory of the game and connects it to how the person's peers began calling him "speedster". Something like that would make your essay much more engaging to the point where your voice is better heard.
Otherwise, good job so far for a draft! I hope you can make your good essay a great one.
AS(2+) YOU CHOSE A GREAT STORY AND WORD TO SHARE. AND I LIKE HOW YOU WERE ABLE TO WORK IN YOUR PERSONAL EXAMPLE SO SMOOTHLY. YOU ARE LACKING SEVERAL THINGS. YOU HAVE NO DIRECT QUOTES FROM YOUR INTERVIEW THAT SHOW WHY THEY CALLED YOU THAT. YOU DO TOO MUCH OF THE TELLING, YOU NEED THE INTERVIEW TO BACK YOUR STORY UP. ALSO YOU NEED MORE REFLECTION, WHY IS THIS WORD SO SPECIAL TO YOU COMPARED TO ALL THE OTHERS WORDS IN YOUR LIFE. YOU NEED TO MAKE THE ESSAY MORE PERSONAL, MORE REFLECTION IN TERMS OF HOW YOU FEEL WHEN THEY CALL YOU THIS WORD. YOUR CONNECTION EXPLAINED IS VERY GENERAL.
ReplyDelete